To be a friend to someone… carries a great significance to me. It encompasses a certain
responsibility to that person. To be supportive when they are in need, to give what ever is
in ones means to give, and perhaps most importantly, never take advantage of that person
or disrespect them. To share what I have, knowledge, opportunities, acquaintances, if that
is something that would be of interest or helpful. To be thoughtful, caring, and a good
listener. I have been this kind of “friend” to those whom I chose to call a friend. It seems
like such a simple thing. Yet I have been shown, that this kind of unconditional openness
is valued very little, and in some cases it is a sign of weakness on my part, that is taken
advantage of and nothing more.

In fact, I came to realize over the years that Friendship is somewhat of a lost concept in
America. I would not say it is lost all together, but just as the days of business deals being
cemented with a handshake, the innocence of true friendship is very rare. So much so
that I did not know myself what I was missing until I traveled to Russia and encountered
how my husband related to his friends, and saw how truly caring they were. I was
impressed by the extent to which they would go out of their way to be helpful or how
they knew they could just count on each other. I was touched by their sharing of what
was rare or special to them, and how they looked out for each other. I found myself
comparing what I had witnessed in my husbands company, to my own acquaintances. I
realized I did not have this kind of closeness or experience… it made me truly sad.

Perhaps innocent is exactly the heart of the matter. People in America have become
accustomed to insult and injury; they expect it, are ready to defend against it, they fear
too much, worry too much, to the point that they have become entirely self centered.
Everyone is focused on their survival… And on their Success, because our culture has put
this ideal first and above all others: climb to the top, use anyone you have to on the way,
and it is all expected and even respected. Promises and agreements mean nothing, but are
used as a means of currency to get what one wants. If they can’t carry out what they
agreed to do, or choose not to, it is not shameful for them to just let it slide, and can even
behave as if insulted when called on their lack of accountability.

I realize that am an idealist. I put my trust in people, because I believe in them.
I have tried over my lifetime to develop friendships and find that I often fail. I fail
because I loose faith. I feel the relationship is one sided, or that I am being taken for
granted, or that I have been wronged in some way. And yes, I know that any time
someone has expectations as I have, they are just setting themselves up for
disappointment. But nevertheless, people do have expectations, we do have desires, we
all want to know that someone cares, that there is somebody who has your back, who will
be faithful in that special way that the bond of friendship implies. Yet time and again I
have come to see that it is not so.

Each time a situation like this slaps me in the face, I could, as many people do, become
bitter and choose never to trust again. Never to give myself so completely, never to be so
open hearted. But then, what is the point of living. If one gives up hope that the world
Can Be that ideal place… I wish it to be. I am unwilling to accept that it is a futile exercise
to look for true friendship. To expect that someone will value an honest and
open exchange of the gifts of our existence with mutual respect and caring… what a
strange world we have created, that this simple wish is such a foreign concept.

It is not noble of me to expect that I deserve it, nor is it savage to have such a desire.
I can only hope that life gives me, with grace, the chance to keep such company.

Lately I have been feeling disillusioned with life as an artist. It is perhaps healthier for artists to remain in that bubble of illusion that they tend to carry with them. It helps maintain a certain equilibrium in a world that does not value the right-brained creative types. Oh I love the process of creating art, I can’t imagine Not doing something in the arts. It seems my destiny, which while inescapable, is often not rewarding.

I’ve struggled with depression… No, I don’t medicate myself. I don’t believe in that. I think it is natural to feel low, now and then. When I was younger, I was grimmer about it… to die is not difficult, I’m really not afraid of letting it all go… It’s not getting Finished with all I would like to create that bothers me… and then not having what I’ve spent my life doing… valued… well that is what depresses me. Who was it who said that the only real currency in this world is respect?  It’s true isn’t it?

Yes, easy to die, when I am down, I think about it. That damned Scorpio moon ruling over my thoughts. Just like a dark hole pulling me deeper.  It takes courage to live. Certainly I have many blessings to count. Someone I love, to live for. Eventually, as usual, I pick myself up out of the funk. But too often I ask myself, what good is what I do? Who cares, and who needs it?  I am sure that I am not the only artist to feel worthless at times. To be successful is such a driving force in our society, such a measure of ones worth.

I am a right-brained dyslexic introvert. Not very worldly, and while I do have enough intelligence to be afraid of what is going on in my world, I sometimes fear that I am not clever enough to survive.  But then reading over this, that I have written, I just feel angry at myself, what right do I have to feel sorry for myself? There are others in worse condition, who have less than I.

Hope, that is such a valuable feeling. It is really what holds the world together. If lost, you lose yourself, you lose your future, your love, your every possibility just falls away. It is nothing more than that which allows people to continue to live in their own bubble of illusion.

I am a featured artist on Talent Database:

I use a wet gel medium transfer process for my paintings. Recently Tim Morehead interviewed me about my art and my life… and I meantioned that I had a step by step process here on my blog. Then I looked for it when creating the category “process” and realized I had actually put these images on the MySpace album under the same name: PROCESS

The images there are larger and there are a lot of them, so it is best to go to my blog to view them.

But here are a few small versions and a step by step description of the process:

Make a copy of your image in reverse, otherwise your finished product will be backwards. Place you photocopies, or computer copies on a non stick surface such as a piece of plexi glass. Tape it with a masking tape, I prefer the blue kind, it causes less damage to the image when you pull it. I prefer the Golden gel Medium because it is thicker and you need to apply let coats to the image. But any Gel medium will work.

After taping all the prints down then you begin to apply the gel. use a house painting brush with a thick nylon brissel. This leave a little tooth for the next layer to adhere to. Let the layer dry completely, depending on the thickness of the gel the wait time will be different. Then apply the next coat in a different direction, up-down, left-right, bottom left corner to upper right corner, upper right to bottom left. Each application should take a different direction, be sure to take the gel to the edge of the image or you will have thin edges that break. Be careful not to go outside side of your tape or you will have trouble pulling it up.

Applying the gel to the image surface. After you have applied enough layers your image will develop a thick skin. For the Golden thick gel medium this will be one application in each direction. At this point you let it dry over night. The next day remove the tape from each image and trim the edges of the paper off.
next you prepare a bath of warm water and place the skin into the water for a few minutes until you see the paper on the back is wet.

Next you scrub off the paper form the original photo copy or computer image, the ink is now embedded into the gel and the side where the paper was will be a matte surface. This is your working surface so all the paper must be scrubbed off. You will see when it is not off it leaves a white mark. some of the paper will peal off, but some must be scrubbed with a brush or abrasive sponge. Keep your surface wet. You will get a feeling for how much and how hard you can scrub. the skin will stretch a little, if it stretches too much and does not regain its shape, or if it breaks, then this indicates that you did not build the layer thick enough or let it dry completely.

When all the paper is off, you have a gel skin with you image embedded into it. The shinny side is then attached to canvas or a board with more gel medium as a glue, or you can use molding paste. Now you have your image as an under painting for your mixed media work. The matte side will take paint, or other art products.

Tim Morehead from Visual Ramblings Has started a new website for artists interviews.

Here is a link for the interview he did with me:

Interview With an Artist

People write me nearly everyday asking about my digital process. Most of what I do, I don’t really Think about, I just experiment and stumble upon effects that I like. I do the work in that dreamy state that is not part of the rational, structured, liner mind. It is a place where Thought is not a part of the process. Something else is guiding the work, Something I don’t have words to describe. So when an artist or photographer writes me and says how do you do it exactly, give me the step by step process… I wouldn’t know how to. But Some Creative people can learn by seeing examples… so for all of you digital magicians who learn well from visual guidelines… here are a few images for you. If you want more I have an album titled Digital Process on the MySpace page, here is the link: Digital Process

AngelicaTas
We found each other on MySpace. Oh I love these modern web worlds where my creative soul mates

send out their lovely works like seeds into the minds and hearts of those lucky few who come across them.
This is Angelica she not only does very fine work herself, but she also has an impressive on-line gallery of

artists works she has collected that inspire her. And I have to say I agree with her taste in art.

Here is her website: ANGELICATAS UN REGARD UN IMAGE

And this is her blog site where she collects her inspirations: DARK LIGHT PHOTO

I encourage you to explore both. Here are some examples of Angelica’s art photography:

All her work contains a grace and sensitivity. I love her nudes I am very fond of her photo manipulations, really very lovely.

I am a person who is quite introverted, and most of the time too serious. Not that I take Myself too seriously. I could actually use a little more Ego, or sense of self worth. But I take the world too seriously… I am someone who grew up with out a lot of charm and gayity, I rarely had children my own age to interact with, and when I did, we didn’t have much in common. I was a loner, I never had a birthday party, we rarely celebrated anything. I didn’t have much experience with the light hearted, didn’t have much space in my life where I could Trust to just let go, and be joyful. My father was this kind of man by principle, he did what he liked and enjoyed life fully, he liked to gamble, and party. It was essentially his spirit for life that was so impressive. He was well liked and respected, because he made people feel some connection to that happiness that he was filled with. I could say he was not a good parent, because he did not support his children and he wasn’t able to be responsible as parents aught to be. But I can not bring myself to say he was not a good dad to me. He was my only link to that lightness and happy abandon I had in the world. He loved to tell stories, look for fairies in the forest, and sing old Irish ballads. He was a romantic and a dreamer like myself.

I lived with my mom, most of the time. She was a working woman, very responsible and very focused on what she had to do. And I am sure life was not easy for her, raising two daughters on what women could earn in those days. She didn’t have much time for fun, and when she had fun it was not when I was around. When I think of my mother, I see a woman who was so tired on her days off that I could not wake her up, or someone who was always working, If not going to the office, then cleaning the fridge or some other big chore that got us all involved, working together was what I remember about her. She was always looking stern, her brow furrowed, actually she must have just been worried or stressed. She remarried twice, the relationships were difficult and abusive. So for the most part I was ignored, and to be honest I tried to not be noticed. tried to do for myself, and be as quiet and unseen as possible. That is what made me feel safer in that environment.
This bit of history is to to let you know, I really don’t like being the too serious person I learned to be. I appreciate anyone who is witty, charming and playful. I love to laugh and comedy films are always my first choice. I am in Awe of anyone who can be spontaneously funny or clever.

My favorite types of humor are mondegreens. I also love malapropisms and spoonerisms. I don’t care for slap stick humor at all, and I don’t like racial jokes.

Here are a couple other links: Fun With Words and Things People Said
I am dyslexic so it is not uncommon for me to make modnegreens and spoonerisms myself, and I laugh just as hard at my own mistakes.

I love this guy: Taylor Mali

This is well worth the 20 minutes to see this clip: Jill Taylor

A most insightful personal experience of how the brain perceives. The right brain perceptual experience of someone who has a left hemisphere stroke, Jill Taylor is a scientist specializing in the study of the brain. Her experience is quite remarkably like many nirvana accounts or spiritual experiences written by various enlighten individuals.

A number of people recently have asked me about my work. After writing variations of this a few times, I decided to post it here.

I was originally a painter who took a photography workshop to learn how to document my paintings, as I am rather prolific with my art, it was becoming too expensive to hire someone to take slides. But to my surprise I got passionately interested in the creative aspects of the medium. I found that photography gave me the ability to express certain visions and concepts that my painting skills did not. I had modeled for many years in my youth, for artist photographers, and I was always pleased to be their muse, happy to be a part of the creative process, but I never saw myself as a photographer. I didn’t even consider it as a path for my work.

But I continued to use the Community College lab for my photographic printing, for several years. Experimenting, trying out everything that a wet lab process could do, I especially liked doing multiple exposures with different negatives, which was tricky to get it right, and never dependable. The head of the department at Glendale Community College is Dean Terasaki. He taught me about cameras and the printing process. He is also a wonderful artist who thinks outside of the box and encourages experimentation. Over time we became friends. I will always be grateful for the introduction to photography that he gave me.
At that the lab we made a rather cool set up for printing mural size images. a large tube of PVC pipe, closed at one end and with a 3 inch lip on the other, with a hole in the center to pour in the chemicals, and to insert the large exposed paper. For this method you don’t need to waste the chemicals, as you only need enough to cover the bottom of the container. You roll it back and forth to distribute the chemicals on the paper.Then you have to rinse and change the chemicals for each step. I made a series of these large prints that I later hand painted. This was my first exploration into mixed media art. I went though stages of experimentation, and also tried many ways of photo transfer.

The actual art process of image making combines my years of experience in other mediums. Everything you do in your work informs the next stage.
Now I do mostly digital photography work, I have several image making programs, I mostly use Photoshop for my post production editing and image making. Each image can take me anywhere from 3 hours to 3 or 4 days to complete. I often don’t sleep well, so I find myself at all hours in front of the computer.
I am also interested in alternative process printing and take any opportunity to learn. As you can see in other entries here, I have had the good fortune to work with some of the modern masters of Alt Process. With thanks to my mentors, I have several series of prints made with Carbon, Platinum and cyanotypes. I also experimented with liquid emulsion and Polaroid transfers.
I am interested to learn and experiment with gum bichromate because of the three color aspect to the printing process. And I find the Vandyke process beautiful.

A good website to learn about Alt process is: ALTERNATIVE PROCESS
Photo shop and other digital work:

I have spent the last twenty years learning Photoshop and other programs, and there is still so much to learn. Many people want to know Exactly what I do. But it is not a set pattern of steps, every image is different and every time it is an exploration. I just try different things until that image feels finished, until it Pops out at me. I think masking is what I use most often. And I use layers of images which are sometimes painted in my studio. As a painter, I love the textural effects of paint on canvas, so I try to incorporate this into the digital image in this way to give it the appearance of a painting.
The difficult aspect about doing digital imaging for me is that I like color, and there are really not many options for making an archival image with color printing. Most artists now use some form of Giclee printing process. Which is, under the best conditions going to hold up, without fading, for 50 years. To me that is not acceptable, I want to make a lasting product. That is why I focused my attention on exploring mixed media for a number of years, adding the color by hand to my photos.

I now have a way to make large format color carbon prints. I am not doing the printing myself. But these prints which take at least 3 days to make one image, are completely archival and will last for a 1000 years without fading, (if nothing else happens to the print to destroy it.) It is my wish to make a body of work with this process for the new series of images I have been working on. When these are completed I feel I will finally have a body of work that is worthy of gallery representation or a museum collection.